UGH

I've been up and down all day.

Depressed and angry.

And it doesn't help that my cold isn't really going away. My cough is better but my nose is really runny and someone either stole, or used all of my Mucinex-like medicine.

I'm tired, but I can't go to sleep because,

1. I have school to do

2. My nose is SO FREAKING ANNOYING

aaihsfihoguihrjg

A pretty terrible day!

And it's only 2:37....

MoodPanda

Now I'm on MoodPanda and it's great so far, I've gotten a few hugs and I've given around a dozen already.

HATE

I HONESTLY thought that hating any member of your family was impossible, but apparently it is.

I used to take ballet classes and a a girl there said that she hated her sister and her sister hated her. And I said that you can't hate family. And ever since then I was trying to prove to myself that it IS impossible.

But I guess it ISN'T.

I hate my stupid jerk-of-a-brother

I hate my stupid brat-of-a-sister

My parents make it SO obvious that I am their least favorite. It's SO obvious I want to cry.

My sister got a real laptop WAY earlier than I did.

I say shut up to my sister, he says "hey!" to me, but when she says shut up to me, he STILL says "hey!" to me!

I could go on and on with that. I could dedicate a whole post to it.

My parents also let her walk to the library ALONE YEARS before I could. When I was her age, I had to walk to the library WITH my sister.

God! I just hate their obvious favoritism! It is freaking KILLING me!

I'm wondering whether i should be laughing at that because I've seriously thought about killing myself. I've
thought about it so often, I don't even know when it first started, or what makes me think of it. Practically everything that has to do with my life.

I'm usually happy when I avoid thinking about my crappy life. When I do, I just have a mental breakdown.

It just seems to me that they hate me.

Sure, they buy food and occasionally fun stuff for my birthday or whatever, but I don't think they actually care.

I wonder if I'm bi-polar.

I began this post, really angry, and now, at the end, I'm just sad, and kind of depressed.

I don't even know anymore.

It's not like they would bother paying for anything to make me feel any better.

3rd post in one day, so many annoying family members

So, I was trying to read my book that I need to finish by next week and I asked my dad to turn down the TV. He was watching some, filming documentary. And you know what he said, when I asked him to turn it down?

He said he couldn't hear it.

WHY is that MY fault?

Maybe I was coughing BEFORE, but that's not my fault!

Or! Or maybe! The fact that I'm ALIVE is an INCONVENIENCE TO YOU.

Maybe you shouldn't have let me been born then! Huh! Maybe your life could be SO MUCH BETTER if I was just out of your life, because I'm such a BURDEN.

I've got a sinus infection, and I can't really hear in one ear, so I wanted to watch TV with the volume turned up. But my STUPID dad kept asking for me to turn it down.

FREAKING HIPPOCRATE

GOD!

WTF IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY

I SHOULDN'T FEEL THIS LOATHING FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH

I SHOULDN'T, RIGHT?

I THOUGHT FAMILIES WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR YOU

BE NICE

AND LOVING

NOBODY TOLD THIS FAMILY

THIS FAMILY IS BROKEN

AND IT WILL NEVER BE FIXED

HAHA I BET IF SOMEHOW ONE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS FOUND THIS
AND THOUGHT ABOUT HOW THIS POOR GIRL'S FAMILY IS SOOOO MEAN

OH I WOULD LAUGH

I WOULD LAUGH SOO HARD WHEN I SAW THAT

I WOULD TELL THEM THAT IT WAS ME

OH YES

THAT WOULD BE BRILLIANT

I WOULD BE LAUGHING SO HARD

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THERAPY FOR ME ANYWAYS

THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT HOW WE HAVE NO MONEY

SO WHAT'S THE POINT

I HATE MY FAMILY

I HATE HOW THEY ARE NOT THERE FOR ME

I HATE THAT THEY ARE JERKS

I HATE THAT I'M RELATED TO THEM

I HATE EVERYTHING


-C

I hate everything and everyone

I'm in that sort of mood just because my brother is just as much of a jerk as my sister is.

I swear, I can't wait until I can go to college and leave this stupid house with the stupid no-good siblings who treat me like shit and don't care about my feelings whatsoever. It's like I'm just someone to tease, and they don't care about how stressed I get, they don't care at all about my mental health in any way and I think I'm just going to explode.

I say something, and then he just says "shh" OVER AND OVER AND I JUST WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE

I WISH MY FAMILY CARED ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND HEALTH AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT

HEY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT HALF OF THE SHIT I DEAL WITH

THEY DON'T KNOW I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT CUTTING MYSELF

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT I HAVE SEVERE DEPRESSION

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT I HAVE ANXIETY

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT I HAVE PANIC ATTACKS

THEY DON'T KNOW ME OR ANYTHING ABOUT ME


-C

-_-

So, yesterday, my dad, my mom, my sister and myself cleaned out my room that I share with my little sister. Or, at least, it's technically our room, but I'm pretty sure that my sister has basically taken it over, and I barely go in there anymore because I can't study or focus on anything because she's so freaking annoying. I sit on the couch to do my school and stuff.

So, basically, for me, it's just a storage room and a place to sleep. I have nowhere to be alone, I have no room to sit in to just do...whatever....

So I threw away a lot of my old toys, and stuffed animals and such, WAY more than my sister. Probably 2-4X my sister.

Sure, she's 11 and I'm 14, but what it seems like, to me, that I threw away a lot of my things just so my sister would have more room for her junk.

It's seems really unfair.

My sister's a selfish jerk and no one else in the house believes me, they just say that I should be nicer to her. But she is never nice to me, so I don't think that I should be nice to a jerk.

PEOPLE NEED TO STOP SAYING 'BE YOURSELF' IF THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO BE YOURSELF!

-C

Seriously?

Okay, so maybe I haven't told my family about my problems...

Okay, I HAVEN'T. But I'm trying to find the right time to tell them....or at least my mom about it.

But I have been sick for the last few days and it has been horrible, I have trouble falling asleep because of my stuffy nose, sore throat and coughing, and I usually wake up several times in the night and need to blow my nose before I can go back to sleep.

But when I woke up this morning, (my sister and I share a room) my sister complained about me moaning at one in the morning, and I kept her up.
I told her that I wasn't even awake at one in the morning.
She said yes, but I still kept her up, and she supposedly had only 3 hours of sleep

So, if you think about it, she basically said,

"You being alive kept me up at night and caused me to have only 3 hours of sleep"

But not too long ago, she was sick, and she was being loud in her sleep as well. Needless to say, I lost a few  hours of sleep, but I still fell asleep eventually.

But my sister, she was on her iPad that my dad let her use (he got it to test from work) and when I woke up several times in the night, she was on it under the blanket.

Now, that is the difference between these two things

I actually tried to go back to sleep, and she just gave up and watched Dancing with the Stars or something for the rest of the night/morning.

And she is complaining that I kept her up!

Sure, I might have been loud, but she could still fall asleep like I did!

And, to make her even more of a hippocrite, she snores very loudly after a few hours of being asleep.

The day has barely started and here I am, ranting on my blog.

A lot of my stress, depression and suicidal thoughts come from my family, because it just seems like they don't care at all.

My friends say that they probably do love me but aren't sure how to show it, but I still think that if anything, I'm the least favorite child. To me, it's either my older brother (17) or my little sister(11) on top, then the other underneath, and then I'm on the bottom.

But what keeps me going really is the fact that my fandoms are a big part of my life, and sometimes, they are the only reason that I'm still alive, and I didn't decide to kill myself.

My close friends are also there for me.

They listen and provide comfort that I need.

And of course I do the same for them.


-C